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ISDII Challenge Wing X Cantina
ISDII Challenge Wing X Cantina

Chalquilla label

Welcome to the ISDII Challenge Wing X Cantina, home of Chalquilla!

"Hereh's yourrr Chalquilla!!! Takeh a gooood loouk at this label, be-b-because once yuoh startss dhrinking thisssstuff, youh most lihkely wonn't be abhle to q-quit... it's highly addictivemation. Yuo'll agreeh with meeeh that thississs the best dhrink you've h-had EVAH!!! And if yuh donn't agreeee I'm phretty shure yourrr twin ovherr thereh will. (*hic*)

- Former ISDII Challenge COM Dan Bonini, recieving a new Sub-Lieutenant into the ship.

The ISDII Challenge Cantina knows no other name but Wing X Cantina. Why using any name when the place needs to be completely reconstructed on a weekly basis or so? Because the fact is that 'Chal''s pilots ALWAYS end finding a good excuse to blow up the place; they'll fence all sorts of silly reasons only understood by other fools and psychos alike to release chaos all over the place and eventually someone will com eup with some hand-made device volatile enough for the cycle to start again. And again. And again...

The ISDII Challenge Cantina knows no stable location. Sometimes you'll find it near the engines, sometimes on engineering, sometimes near the reactor core, sometimes silly glued to the hull or rebuilt inside one of the shield generator domes... then again, no way to mantain a location stable enough to withstand the myriad occassions when the place was levelled to tiny pieces and needed to be rebuilt. Fortunately, one of the most important tasks of the ISD Challenge Commodore is to announce the new location of our Cantina for a given day through the Challenge main comm systems along with other critical information like whenever the ship needs to be evacuated or make some violent evasive maneuver (often because somebody spent way too much time at the Cantina and thought that our main navigation and/or hyperdrive coordinates system was his personal Sudoku).

The ISDII Challenge Cantina knows no guards. Well, actually we used to have a couple of filthy bags-o'-screws employed there to guard the place but... as time passed by they just become more and more human, more like proud members of Wing X even. How did they dare?!! First we tried to blank their minds but our poor Stormtroopers were welcomed by a true rain of empty bottles, used Kleenex, Omega Squadron reports and other nasties when they tried to approach them. Then we tried to forward them direct orders for them to deactivate themselves at once... and the metallic laughs and sassy beeps could be heard on Aurora. So in the end we just left 'em there hoping they would start malfunctioning as soon as their batteries became powerless. Too bad... they have Chalquilla!! So, if you meet them at the doors just try to not piss them off more than necessary. They say their names are 'C-3 Starsky' and 'R-2 Hutch' but chances are they won't give a damn if you just call them "Get lost!".

Dreadful Cantina Guards

But hell!! What ISDII Challenge Cantina knows is good policies! Not everybody is allowed here. A handful of people have been banned from entering our little corner of Heaven for a variety of reasons. Some of them pretend to be old Challenge officers now ranking among the Admiralty or even the Command Staff trying to fool us so they can get some free booze. Tsk, tsk... we perfectly know that all Command Staffers worthy of that position would never ever come here for the sakes of their careers except maybe Dan while he was still Executive Officer, and Dempsey the Lady TACcy, and their careers began just here on one of our tables along with a pint and a fake story to tell. Some of them just come to provide havoc and screw up our morale stealing us all the booze... poor dudes... do you remember that Threpwood guy trying to carry grog from here to there and melting each and every jar available while he was at it? Well, now try to imagine it again but featuring hundreds of millions of gallons melting not a couple of jars but your very uniform and whatever comes to be inside! And finally, there are others who were banned because they refused to help us in increasing our variety of liquors with their own splendid collections. Here below you have Colonel Frodo March, former TIE Corps Commander, in disguise and trying to pass unnoticed.

Sorry, Fr0ds! Not allowed!!
Not surprising: the first thing he did after arriving was to ask the barman...
...for a MWE on all cocktails we had...


Chalquilla scenario              

"Goe ahead and t-taste it!! Onceh yuoh doe, you'll nhevah wantss to ghet offff thisssship... Jijijijijijiji... soh farrr, ifh thiss lassth mixtrure off mineh fullfiilsh my brrewingh e-e-expecstactivesh you prrolly whon'ts beh ableh to (*hic*) to do sho."

- Zósite, The Wicked CMDR of Tempest ® and Master Brewer, processing a transfer request for a retiring Wing X officer.

Yeah... Colonel Zósite Kónstyte Styles, The Wicked CMDR of Tempest®, the last line you'll need to cross if you ever feel like tossing your career through the airlock and being declared officially insane, potentially dangerous and definitely unable to accomplish with a single military goal out of your tiny padded room.

Talking about Zós is talking about Zós' Secret Destillery™, the most unhealthy, deadly, messy (sorry, Ender, your 'Luggage' can't compare ;-P) and spooky place this little Galaxy of us has ever seen. You see... some time ago, when the madman was still Cyclone Flight II Leader, this splendid ship of ours went on shortage of booze. Don't even ask; Colonel Luna from Thunder Squadron arranged the situation so it could fit with a fiction competition she was planning. She spreaded the myth that she only drinks milk but everybody knows that chances (and some Intel reports) are on her drinking all the booze all alone to make it disappear. Anyways, the fact is that Rear Admiral Darklord, ISD Chal COM back in the day, ordered each and every single officer within the ship to depart and scavenge at the darkest corners of the Galaxy looking for 'alci' and so it was done. And Zósite came up with a solution... He and one of his entrusted Flight Members arrived at the moon of Endor and managed to enslave HUNDREDS of living furballs (aka. Ewoks) who thought Zós was some kind of god who came from the sky to save 'em from those dreadful New Republicans who were decimating their home planet's ecosystem. But what Zós did was to carry them back to the 'Chal' and lock them in a secret place within the Star Destroyer, forever condemned to make booze for the entire ship under the watchful eye (and whip) of the Wicked CMDR of Tempest® and his minions.

Since that ominous day, the TIE Corps High Command, several agents from Emperor's Hammer Intelligence Division and the Fleet Medical Corps in full have been trying to locate and destroy Zós' Secret Destillery™ for the sakes of what they call -common sense- Oh, and they tried hard we tell you! But...

Alas! The Secret Destillery™ knows no exact location. As quite a nice number of health and mind conditions appear all of a sudden and prey on Fleet personnel, as what in the beginning were only a couple of odd Ewoks here and there now has become a true swarm of furballs everywhere, infesting all comissioned ships within the TIE Corps with no apparent reason, as chaos and entropy take their toll on our own crew, a new rumour has risen: that Zós' Secret Destillery™ has trascended reality itself and ended being like that friendly computer Skynet (the old ISD Terminator's main computer, you know ;-J), and has developed branches on each and every ship to become Fleet-wide... on its own... 0__o And legends say that the day all those locations will be found Industrial Light & Magic™ will go bankruptcy...

Yeah, I told you it was spooky... some chosen ones foresaw these events long ago and admire the results:

Colonel Bill Kelso's (Triji Boliv) application for Tornado CMDR, forwarded to WC Locke Setzer and COM Coranel Both... or was WC Coranel and COM Locke... does it matter? How many oaks a gnawer would gnaw if only gnawers would gnaw oaks?



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Copyright The Emperor's Hammer Inc. 2009

Created by Rear Admiral Kate Flyer
Updated by Sector Admiral Daniel Bonini
Updated by Rear Admiral Darklord

Updated and currently mantained by
Colonel Zósite Kónstyte Styles

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